Zadok's Daughter...

I Am a Visionary

2010-05-10T03:17:00.000-07:00

I’m back!

So much has been going on in my life, I’ve hardly had time to blog! I’ve been so busy preparing to head to school in Boston. I’ve talked about this before but it hadn’t really hit me…

Until the other day. I woke up thinking: what have I done? And myriads of negative thoughts started running through my mind, like: it would have been easier if you’d just studied literature; the music business is tough and your look is just not conducive to pop culture success; doing this means you’ve limited yourself to music; didn’t anybody ever tell you never to lay your eggs in one basket? And it went on and on, as negative thoughts do.

And if I said all those fears have now been alleviated, I’d be lying, but I have come this far and there can be no turning back. This is it. I just have to keep reminding myself that music the thing I am most passionate about. Truth be told, my entire life does not revolve around music. I love to write- fiction, poetry, and articles on just about anything! I also love to help people; I love to cook. In short, when it comes to my interests, I am a diversified individual. I want to do so much with this life of mine, like…

1. Be a successful producer/songwriter + recording/performing artist

2. Build a small orphanage. I love kids, and I hate to see kids suffer. There are some good orphanages here in Uganda, where I’m from, but I want to do something a little bit more small-scale. I want to actually give these kids a chance to live the life that they would have otherwise been deprived of.

3. Help young, single, pregnant women. I know, it sounds strange. But it just makes me sad that abortion is considered an option, by some, because they are alone, and do not have any financial, familial and mental/emotional support.

4. Start a college fund for kids in Uganda- not only for kids that want to be doctors and lawyers, that’s great, but also for those that want to seriously invest in their god-given talents/dreams…the many writers, artists, footballers, pilots, chefs, astronauts, and musicians out there. I really feel as if this is important, because for a country to move forward we must have useful citizens and useful citizens are fulfilled citizens, or those working toward achieving their dreams. But they cannot work toward achieving their dream if opportunities are not created for them.

5. Start a cupcake shop with my best friend back home (this might sound like a pocket-sized dream to some, but we don’t have that many, oh excuse me, ANY cupcake shops back home…and I think I could make this one a whopping success).

6. Be a successful writer. (I want to help people who have struggled with the same things I have struggled with and felt, at a young age, I could not even mention. I want to show them that there, really, is only one way to be free and that is through the Christ.)

So yes, I have a vision. I’ve had this vision since the age of 17.

I know maybe some of it looks disconnected. Like, how on earth can I be in the music industry and be, at the same time, a writer, and still manage to bring these plans to fruition. I don’t know the answer to that question. But I feel like music is the avenue that will open up the opportunity to do all these things. It is my gut feeling. I’m not saying that studying music is the prerequisite to achieving all these things, but I do feel like they are connected, in some odd way. I don’t even know whether I’m making much sense right now, but there you go…

A lot of people (including myself, might I add) may ask: where will the money to do all this come from? I don’t know, but I shall follow Solomon’s advice and commit my plans to the Lord…because according to Solomon, this is the window to success. And I know it’s a lot to hope for; I know it is a colossal dream but my God is a colossal God…why shouldn’t I dream big?

Speaking of God, I hope I don’t sound like God is my genie. I exist for Him, not the other way round. And my first priority in life is to serve him and to bring glory to his name. And if some of my desires and plans don’t fit into His plan then I pray that he would close those doors. Period.

***

In his heart a man plans his course, but the lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16.9

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the lord that will stand. Proverbs 19.21

Oh and welcome new followers! I appreciate you! God bless! : -)

Lessons of Late

2010-04-22T01:50:00.001-07:00

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness. I’ve faced a couple of situations, of late, that’ve required me to forgive, to show mercy. And I think it’s pretty easy to say the words “I forgive you”; those words are thrown around these days. But forgiveness is difficult…and it’s been proving difficult for me. Yes me, the one who preached about mercy just the other day. The double standards we have, as mortals are amazing aren’t they? But what can I say? I’m imperfect.

I’m pretty darn sure that it’s Tyler Perry that has popularized the idea that forgiveness is for you :-) But lately I’ve been wondering if this is really true? Because to me, this sounds like a concept that we have created because it is more comfortable than the idea of being merciful because It is the Christian thing to do?

Don’t get me wrong…I am not saying that to think forgiveness is for the one that has been wronged is an un-biblical concept. Not at all! Even God himself says that he forgives us for his sake (Isaiah 43:25). And besides we all know that unforgiveness is not conducive to our well being and health. But what I’ve doubted lately…is whether it is right to make this idea (that forgiveness if for you, the victim) our primary reason to forgive. Because here lies my dilemma:

Every time I wrestle with feelings of resentment and anger…I never hear a voice telling me to forgive because otherwise I will be eaten up by bitterness…the only thing that resounds in my spirit is a reminder of how much mercy has been shown unto me. And it this resounding voice that fits perfectly with what the Word teaches on forgiveness. In a letter to the Colossian Christians, Paul tells them to forgive “even as Christ forgave you.”

And then there’s this one guy from long ago; I’m sure you know of him cos the dude is pretty famous but to cut a long story short he was about to be executed for crimes he had not committed. He was innocent and righteous…as innocent as a lamb. And I am convicted by those famous words he speaks:

Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.

“Forgive them father”- he clearly knew that they had done wrong, there was no trying to hide this fact in order to look super spiritual. Nor was he going to brush it off pretentiously as we do sometimes when we say, “Oh, it was nothing.” He was straight up, kept it one hundred…they had done him wrong. Period.

And yet still…even with this knowledge, he is merciful. But what does it mean, to be merciful? I mean…biblically merciful? And this is where I’m struggling. Because my English dictionary tells me that mercy is showing sympathy, compassion, pity, forbearance. But Jesus’ words create a whole other dimension…

“For they know not what they do”- I’ve really been thinking about this. And maybe I’m wrong…but it would seem to me that Jesus is actually putting himself in the shoes of his wrongdoers. He is seeing through their eyes; trying to discern what they are feeling without any bias; trying to think how they are thinking. Because, otherwise, there is no other way he would have arrived to the conclusion that they “know not what they do.” And this reminds me of God and Jonah. Jonah was so angry with God for being merciful to the ninevites (great enemies of Israel) and he actually reproves God for being compassionate but God says to him: Jonah…these people do not know their right hand from their left. The one who is completely spotless and perfect speaks those words…he puts himself in the shoes of those that have wronged him. Think about it!

I don’t know about you…but there’s something that tells me this forgiveness thing…is so much bigger than the whole forgiveness is for you concept. But hey I’m not trying to sound like I know everything…so please feel free to discuss in the comments section below, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this! I know maybe sometimes I can come across as a know-it-all but most of my “knowledge” is just guesswork (whether accurate or otherwise). This one is actually a penny for your thoughts kind of post. So go ahead…tell me what you think! Please!!

Order My Steps

2010-04-17T02:47:00.001-07:00

By the time August 2009 rolled by, to me, it only meant one thing- there was two months left to start school. I was excited, I was going to be living my dream, and I would be studying music at a “most prestigious” music school in London. Even the difficulties I faced with finding appropriate accommodation could not dampen my mood. And yet…it is true that in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9). Because as much as I was ready for London Music School, I didn’t realize it but I was making a decision that was completely outside of God’s plan for my life. And many a time, from what I have seen in my own life and the lives of those around me, He allows us to make stupid decisions; He allows us to go through things that were not a part of his plan anyway but this time, for whatever reasons, he would not permit me to walk away from this particular path that he had already laid out.

And very quickly my plans to attend London Music School fell apart. The fault was mine. I hadn’t prayed about ANY part of this decision; I hadn’t really thought any of it through…I had just rushed into something because I was excited; I had based a big decision on emotions. So it was quite frightening when I realized that the school I had picked to go study music at was a bit of a sham; it wasn’t as “prestigious” as it was said to be, and there was hardly any external information on the school. I am not saying that it wasn’t as “ivy league” as I wanted; but it was not whatever it had presented itself to be.

Naturally, I felt stupid, because I looked completely naïve to my parents and relatives. For some of them, it was a sure sign that music wasn’t a part of my destiny. But of course I would never buy into that.

There are only a few times that the Holy Spirit has spoken to me. And when he does speak, it’s not like with the disciples or with Moses or Elijah. Most of the time, when he does speak, it’s more like a sure reminder of some appropriate truth that I, by my own power, could not have plucked out of my cacophony of thoughts. This time, he reminded me “the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.” And immediately I knew what to do. Ah! If only God would speak to us/reassure us more often, more like every minute of every day…but then I suppose we would not need as much faith.

I will try to cut a long story short: I prayed fervently for about a week. I didn’t want to make the same mistake. I knew music was what I wanted, music or literature. And I let God direct my every step: when I was discussing my options with my parents; when I began short listing schools; even when I finally settled on two schools; traveled to America to tour each one; and eventually decided to apply to only one because that was the only one I wanted…God was in every single step. And everyone asked me why I had only applied to one school. Wasn’t it foolish…to lay all my eggs in one basket? They would ask. To some I lied to, that I had actually applied to two schools…simply because I didn’t want all the questions to continue…I am not a very patient person (smile). But to those like my father who I couldn’t lie to I would simply say, “Well, this is where God led me…” and though he would frown and worry at what he saw as extremism and absurdity, I would simply remain silent. I didn’t want any arguments.

And sure enough when I was offered a place at Berklee he was relieved (and happy for me too!). Me, I cried tears of joy…but not relief. I was simply, in that moment astounded at the goodness of God. But the entire time…whilst I was waiting, I refused to doubt God…not out of desperation because I had no other choice…but because I knew that the journey I had taken from September 2009 onwards was one that had been propelled by the Divine from the get go.

Did I have my doubts sometimes? Sure I did! But ultimately I knew that if He was in it; it was not going to fail. And He was in it.

Figuring Myself Out

2010-04-15T01:30:00.001-07:00

Remember how I told you that this blog is my semi-journal? That I won’t be getting too personal with you because that’s just not me, but I will share some things to document my faith journey? Well, today is one of those days. I woke up early morning. And my mind decided it was in the mood to be cynical. So, naturally, I’ve been having negative thoughts infiltrate my head and infuse my spirit. And it’s starting to piss me off. Big time.

Have you ever thought you were delivered from something? Only to find…

And you whisper fervent words to God: “take this from me, Lord…I know it’s not of you.” and you lament; you get angry; you kick the ground because you think this equals kicking your demons away; you beg and plead; you groan…until you feel like even God is tired of hearing you say: “take this from me, Lord…I know it’s not of you.” And maybe you even scream that muffled/muted scream of frustration because you feel like ripping your hair apart.

This is what today decided to bring me.

I know there are overwhelming burdens and nasty, dysfunctional habits that only God can rid us of. Infact I know that there is nothing we struggle with that we can rid ourselves of…this is the job of Him that is sovereign over all. But I thought I was through…I thought I was moving to the next level. Maybe I was getting self righteous, I don’t know. And maybe I’m being too hard on myself…expecting every single thought and action of mine to be pure. And yes…no one can ever be perfect, and even in our quest to be holy as He is holy there will be times when we stumble. So maybe, yes, I’m being hard on myself…but the truth is…as humans we love excuses. And I cannot allow “won’t be perfect till we get to heaven” to be an excuse of mine. I threw that one out of the window a long time ago…and it’s not coming back.

Last Sunday, our pastor spoke of the rapture. He asked us: “Are you ready? Are you sure you wouldn’t be left behind?” And I am not being self-righteous but in that moment I felt right with God. Not because of my works or anything like that. But I just did. And today…I feel rather different. I don’t feel as confident. Three days ago, I was feeling like the Holy Spirit and I were really becoming one. And It’s not that I felt new or completely different; but I just felt as if the newness that I was infused with when I accepted Christ was finally taking over. It was always there…I had just suppressed it.

But then as much as I feel this way…I also know that I am not supposed to have confidence even in feeling confident. I know this. I suppose I’m stuck…I don’t know what caused these things I thought I had been delivered of to resurface…I’m trying to figure it out. Was it something I did? Did something I heard someone say, or a song I listened to, or a film I watched…did any of those things trigger these things to reemerge? Because often this is what would happen before: a few words spoken or a couple of chords played out could prompt that downward spiral. But I have searched my mind and my heart, and I know that this is not the case.

So I am left to conclude one thing (though I may be wrong): that in my case…I had become so hooked on junk, that it’s actually a part of me. It’s not that I have to have some kind of trigger. And it makes me sad; honestly, that I chose the paths that I did…because here is where they have led me. Of course I shouldn’t be surprised…that is what happens when you draw waters from stagnant wells…there are consequences: you get sick and sometimes, sadly, the ramifications will stay with you forever.

I don’t say any of this out of self-pity at all. I know God will complete the great work he began in me through Christ…I know that I will be a masterpiece at the end of it all.

I guess I wrote this because I needed to sort through some of my thoughts. But it’s not just about me…I wrote this for you too- so that you may choose your paths wisely. I used to think, a lot of the time, when I was going through whatever it is I was going through (smile) that it wouldn’t harm me in the long run. But I was very wrong. The devil is a liar. Please don’t let him lie to you. Whether it be through TV, your ipod, your friends, what the majority say…even what looks right and fair and just and logical in the natural...I don’t care what anybody tells you…if it contradicts the Word…then it is completely false.

I know this all sounds so melancholy but I'm not (smile), I have made bad choices but there is a truth that is more powerful than even my recklessness: that whomsoever the son has set free is free indeed (John 8:36).

Stream of Consciousness, Crystal Renn and Plus-Size Models

2010-04-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe I think too much; but then maybe I’m just frighteningly discerning. Perhaps I construct far too many grandiose illusions…or maybe it’s just that I think slightly ahead and replace reality with possibility. These are the thoughts I have pondered the last few days. I know that if I bothered to take this up with most that know me, they would say I think too much; I dream inconceivable dreams.

But the truth of the matter is…I know me best. I dream outside of reality, that’s for sure...but is reality truth? Is reality what truly is? Or is reality what we perceive it to be based on what we can see physically? Let me put it this way: If in "reality" John and Jane do not show any overtly outward signs of amorous affection, does that mean these affections do not exist? Ah…do you now see what I mean?

So sometimes I sense things that others might not, call it a woman’s intuition or whatever you like; and sometimes the things I sense excite me, even though they might not be obvious in reality. And sometimes…I allow my words and actions to be guided by these senses…only to find myself disappointed. Or even worse…I find that others are, perhaps, conscious of the fact certain things have aroused my radar and so draw away or deflect the natural course of things- naturally, I would assume, because of fear.

And the ramifications of this? I look a bit silly, as if I had miscalculated. As if I were wrong in the first place; as if I had wanted something so bad that I forced it to be reality even if it weren’t. I know that sometimes this has been the case. I simply misunderstood something. But other times, much of the time? I don’t think so. And maybe that sounds arrogant…that I could think I discern things correctly most of the time even when reality (simply what we can actually see) contradicts everything I think. But I’ve come to find that as we grow we become less filter-less and much of what comes through in reality is the revised version of what truly is.

So yeah, that’s kind of what’s been going on in my head lately.

Other than this…I’ve been learning a lot. A lot about worship and trusting God; but also a lot about holiness and what it means to be “Holy”. And holiness is such a complex concept for most people. But I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

This is random…but I am obsessed with Crystal Renn. I just want to look like her. I know that sounds somewhat shallow…but it’s the truth. She’s different, I suppose…refreshing. Normal yet striking; thick but not unhealthy looking. Everything I aspire to be (or rather look like) is found in this plus-sized model.

(she's the thick one on the right)...

and speaking of plus-size models. I LOVE these next few pictures...from V magazine, last year, I think....you can check the rest out here at Huff Post

Ciao 4 now,

God is still God...

2010-03-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is the story of Zack Smith of NewSpring church, South Carolina...

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

This attitude to most outside of the church would probably be disconcerting. But this is the thing about God…our circumstances may change; our convictions may be shaken; our loyalty might waver; our opinion of him might differ as we adapt to the various seasons of life; friends may abuse him; others mock and deride him; there are those that are even convinced that He does not live YET…

He still sits on his throne…unchangeable, unshakeable and unstoppable. That is the way He was before the first second began to tick and that is the way He will remain. Moses said it like this: “Before the mountains were born, or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God."

English Rose

2010-03-16T05:42:00.001-07:00

Titanic sealed the deal for me when it came to Kate Winslet. She has been my favorite actress ever since. Not only is she a raw actress…but she has a rare grace about her; a grace that few women have these days. To me she’s not beautiful in the same way as Angelina Jolie might be beautiful…she has a unique kind of beauty. Not the quirky kind either. Her face is just so expressive, her skin charmingly pale and flawless and her eyes look like they hold the secrets of the earth.

Expressive.

She looks like something ethereal here. An ancient witch, maybe…

...or a gypsy from the 17th century

A true English Rose.

Musings on Mercy

2010-03-12T21:33:00.003-08:00

Something rather strange happened to me last year. It was around the month of October. I was reading my Bible… the Old Testament. And the wickedness of the Israelites absolutely boggled my mind. I just could not conceive how these people could commit such heinous offenses against God, and have God send them prophets that warned them to turn away from their wickedness for decades upon decades and still not leave their wicked ways. I mean they didn’t even try!

They ran after false gods like Baal; they erected up high places/alters for other gods in the temple of the Lord, which bore His name; they built quarters for the male shrine-prostitutes in the temple of God; they shed an incredible amount of innocent blood; they sacrificed/slaughtered their children in the fire to other gods; they did more evil than the nations God had driven out of Canaan that Canaan may become their land. The spiritual condition of the Israelites is so rotten that the Bible tells us that they brought charges against God. It got so bad, God himself asked them: “What fault did your fathers find in me? That they strayed so far from me” in other words “what have I done to you, that I deserve such treatment?”

I tell you, this overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. In my mind, I berated the Israelites for such behavior. I couldn’t even begin to perceive how a people whom God had cared for like a mother cares for her child could discard their Father as if he were waste that belonged only in a garbage bin. I shook my head in disbelief, and my heart was filled with disgust and even though I didn’t say it out loud…I was subconsciously thanking God that I was not like those most wicked Israelites. It was breakfast time in New York. I was sitting at the dining table of my Uncle’s apartment but I couldn't even eat any longer. I could only shake my head in contempt.

And at that very moment, in all my contempt…I heard a small voice whisper to me: that’s you. No condemnation there; but the voice was stern and it was clear and it was truth.

And it’s crazy…because I couldn’t even reject the idea and that’s how I know it was the Holy Spirit that spoke to me. It was not a thought that had formed on its own in my head; it was not me looking for an alternative outlook as I had always been taught to do in literature class; because if it had been…I would have and could have dismissed that idea. But I didn’t. Because it was God himself that spoke those words to me…clear. I couldn’t have heard it better if he was shouting to me through a megaphone. I know maybe I’ve never erected a high place in the house of God; but I have erected them in my heart. For the Israelites it was Baal and Molech but for me it has been many, many different things: secularism, the fear of man, lust, the love of self. And slowly by slowly God started to reveal to me the ways in which I had been just like the Israelites. It was quite the revelation.

Something else, though, was bothering me early today morning and it was this that prompted me to write this blog. I was a hypocrite when I did what I did, yes, but more than that I was so unmerciful. My name, Mbabazi, means the mercy or grace of God in my language…so you would think mercy would be a familiar concept to me. But I realized this: you will never know what it is to be merciful, until you have needed mercy yourself. From that time at the dining table onwards…He has been showing me what mercy truly is. There was a time in my life when I was despairing and when I was anguishing over things I had done. God showed me his mercy. A mercy that is so undeserved. And maybe, reader, you can identify. Maybe you can’t. But I needed mercy as an ocean needs water, and as every living thing needs oxygen to survive…that’s how badly I needed mercy because I was in bad shape. No wonder Jesus said: be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

A merciful heart is something I need so desperately for God to work in me, because it is only He that can make us merciful like He is. Every time that someone wrongs me or wrongs someone else…I need to be merciful or at least approach them with an attitude of humility and not self-righteousness. I know that now. I’d read so much on mercy, particularly in the Bible, but there is a huge difference between knowing something and applying it to your life. It might be hard but now I have no excuse. I have no excuse because to refuse to extend the mercy that has been shown unto me would be completely and utterly unfair.

Honesty

2010-03-04T03:46:00.003-08:00

I’ve learned something very recently: that most of the time, as humans, we only see each other superficially. However much you may think you know someone, be it your best friend, your sister or a colleague/schoolmate, chances are that person has some skeletons in the closet. We have learned to put on our best self, nobody wants to be vulnerable…nobody wants anyone to know the real them. Sure we don’t mind people seeing us angry, or heartbroken…we don’t even mind people seeing us when we’re being a nightmare. Because being angry and broken-hearted are normal and expected- nobody will judge you for that…however angry you are. But there are some things we just won’t let people see: abusive relationships; drug, sex, porn addictions; self-harm; eating disorders; those are the kinds of things we often hide, because of the fear of judgment and the fear of being shunned. I think the world would be better off if everyone was just honest…we all deal with crap we don’t want anybody to know, nobody is perfect...and that includes your mother and father, your pastor and church folk, your siblings and friends.

I was asked, once, what made me a strong Christian. I said, not out of modesty but out of an obligation to speak the truth, that as much as I may say things about God and read my Bible and appear to some, a “strong Christian” because of this, I would prefer if that term were not used to describe me. This person (who is a great friend of mine) still insisted that she thought I was a strong Christian and said I was an inspiration to her. I wonder, though, if she'd still think the same thing if she knew all of me.

People sometimes see me as somewhat prim and proper; the one that never gets drunk; the one that’s never tried a blunt; the one that doesn’t have sex; the one that hardly cusses. But honestly…there are times when I wish my ‘dirt’ was as public as drunkenness and weed-smoking…because as un-Christian these things may be, they are done, a lot of the time, publicly, out in the open. There are some things that I’ve done that I deeply regret and I’m sure would bring a great deal of judgment upon my head. These things...I used to struggle with secretly…I had no one to tell. They hindered my walk with God and yet at the same time He was the only one I could trust with my deepest darkest secrets for a long time. But months ago, when I was a mess (and you wouldn’t at all have guessed) I couldn’t take being so secretive any longer and finally spoke up about my problems.

I thank God that he brought me to that place of honesty, because my deepest darkest secrets, as painful as they were and still are, had and have no place in my life as a daughter of light. Talking to people was hard, but I’m glad God directed me and showed me which people to talk to. You can’t go round telling everybody your secrets, but the truth is…sin, if it’s going to be dealt with, has to be dealt with out in the open. So many of us are scared of bringing our stuff out on the table because we fear that we might become the laughingstock of many. But the truth is that we only have two choices: being real, or being hypocrites. And trust me…it’s hard talking to people about your problems but the only way we can have freedom is to be open and honest.

I’m not perfect…I have done things that I deeply, deeply regret but I’m grateful that my deepest darkest secrets are not secrets any longer. I was tired of holding on to them and giving the excuse that if God knew then He counted as another person. The Bible is clear…that if we confess our sin then he is quick to forgive us. Up until now, I always thought that confession of sin had to be made to God alone. But I’ve learned that some things can’t be dealt with until we confess our sins to other believers. We have to be careful whom we choose to tell but one thing is for sure: we do have to tell.

I know this is a lot to throw out on the table but I really felt a burden to let this be known. Most of my years as a “Christian” were just full of falsehood and hypocrisy. And even now…there are still things I deal with in my walk with Christ that are painful, but I thank God that they are out in the open. Maybe one day I’ll give you details, maybe I won’t…whatsoever God leads me to do. But for now, I just really needed to let you know…I have had some crazy stuff going on in my life and so I don’t want you to read this blog and think “wow…she’s almost perfect”. That’s foolywang. Everything I say on here comes from the deepest depths of my soul and from what I have learned in my walk with Christ, which has been so difficult and painful at times but which has also brought me much joy and freedom.

I’m so glad Christ took my sins at Calvary and that I am completely free from them. I also thank God that my righteousness does not come from my own works but from him…and him doing a great work in me. I am God’s work in progress…that will eventually, yes, turn out to be a masterpiece. But for now, He’s still sorting through the mess I made and chipping away old nasty habits, and things that just generally don’t glorify him. And it was hard for me to write this…but I just didn’t want anyone to get a false picture of me. Maybe this whole “I’ve been messed up before” thing sounds extreme to you (especially if you know me) but trust me all of it is truth and my bible, and yours, makes it clear that if we claim to have fellowship with God yet walk in darkness we lie.

And I didn’t want to be a liar.

Calling All Prayer People...

2010-03-02T04:40:00.000-08:00

I remember November, when I used to pray for a little boy named Stellan . To put it simply: he had a heart problem- a heart problem so bad that he nearly lost his life a few times. His prospects were grim and at times it looked like the chances that he would survive this disease were rather slim. I can’t tell you how much I prayed for Stellan. Sometimes I found myself up at 5 in the morning praying for him. It was as if God had placed this particular burden on my heart. I wasn’t the only one praying. There were thousands from across the globe crying out to God for a miracle. And He did give us one. To cut a long story short, Stellan was healed…completely. He was healed completely in the kind of way that would make you think: God that was you and you alone.

Through this…God showed me the power of prayer, and most of all the importance of prayer. I had never been part of such a large prayer movement. To know that I was a part of Stellan’s world army…tirelessly knocking on Heaven’s door until we got an answer was incredible. Today (and everyday), I want you to pray for these three little angels…who are fighting the monster called cancer.

Kate McRae

In June 0f 2009, the McRae family received the devastating news that their Kate had a massive brain tumor on the basil ganglia portion of her brain. In July she underwent a craniotomy in the hopes that the surgery would remove the tumor from her brain. Sadly the doctors were only able to remove 50% of the tumor due to its location and Kate is now undergoing chemotherapy and possibly radiation very soon. You can read her story here; also you can follow Team Kate McRae on twitter to get regular updates on how she’s doing.

Ellie Potvin

At 6 years old, this little beauty has been diagnosed with stage 4 (Rhabdomyosarcoma) in her trunk and lungs. In July of 2008, she began her cancer treatment and went into remission in June 2009. Sadly, less than 3 months later tumors were found once again in her lungs and abdomen. Please lift up Ellie in your prayers. You can read her story in full here: Lift Up Ellie and you can also receive regular updates on how Ellie is doing on twitter: Team Potvin

Layla Grace

Layla Grace is 2 years old and battling Neuroblastoma. In May 2009 it was discovered that Layla has a massive cancerous tumor (Stage 4 Neuroblastoma) in her abdomen. It extends from above her left kidney, around her side, over her belly and wraps around her aorta. In addition, the cancer is in her bone marrow. Precious Layla has been through surgery, and chemotherapy, with her doctors doing everything they can. Many, across the globe, have been praying for a miracle. Sadly…there will be no miracle for her, at least not in the way her family and those praying for her hoped. Certainly, God can bring anyone back even from the brink of death. Having said that It becomes increasingly clear that God wants her back home where she belongs. Please pray for her family…that God would give them peace. The peace of Christ, which surpasses all understanding.

For the full story and updates:

Blog: Layla Grace (the blog)

Twitter: Layla Grace

Our God is not deaf, let's lift our voices to him for these three precious girls.

**
Update: Layla Grace went to glory on 9.03.10 ::: God DID heal her...just not in the way we thought. His ways are not our ways. Please keep praying for Ellie (Lift Up Ellie ) and Kate (Pray for Kate)

Time

2010-02-22T04:45:00.003-08:00

I’d like to tell you a simple story. The story is of someone I know, and we recently discussed this question I will pose. Perhaps one of the most famous sayings, when it comes to love and heartbreak and death or despair is: Time heals all wounds. Personally…I think this statement is faulty. It gives one the impression that after a period of time the pain from a certain moment in your life vanishes…for good. Also, “all wounds” is a rather large number.

The story:

Let’s call her G. About three years ago…G went on a thrilling adventure with a friend of hers. This adventure is not the bungee-jumping; white-water rafting type…the adventure is more of a life adventure…the kind where your heart is a racing car and you hand over the keys to someone else in complete and utter trust. You become the co-driver whilst your friend is in command. This is not a case of blind, ingenuous trust…this is a case of knowingly defying the voice of better judgment…because the slight possibility of your two-man team winning this most thrilling race is worth much more than the likelihood of severe cardiac distress. Like many wild, kamikaze adventures…this one didn’t end well.

Three years later we sit at a dainty coffee shop, her and I. And I ask her if she believes that time heals all wounds? Said G:

Most of the time, I’m ok. But there are days when certain things remind me and then I’m not ok. On those days much of the healing that has held me together for years comes undone.

Something got me when she said that. Something really got me. Time heals all wounds sounds nice enough and truthfully…time probably does heal many, many wounds. But all wounds…and completely? I don’t know about that. But then again…maybe G needs more time.

What do you think, reader, does time heal all wounds?

Tune #2

2010-02-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

Magazine Collection: February 2010

2010-02-19T12:34:00.003-08:00

GLAMOUR:

I was flicking through my February issue of Glamour whilst at the hairdressers and came across a very interesting section on page 148. Titled “Your field guide to guys”, the section presented “17 types you might meet out there in the wild” and only a few pages after my girl-crush plus-size model Crystal Renn was featured in nude-colored clothing. Anyway, back to the boys…

My favorite had to be “The Man-Child” (Kid-Cudi).

I have to admit, at first it was slightly concerning, after all “man-child” does give an impression of an immature, philandering wolf (or wolf pup). And to tell you the truth, he does come across as “boyish” but not in the above way. Example: I’m sure your boyfriend is “happy spending the night with his video games” and has got an Xbox, Wii or PlayStation 3. At least if he’s between the ages of 4 and 28 he does. If you know me, you know that I’m not the kind of girl that can play video games for more than a couple of hours (although a couple of hours can be very, very fun). What I loved about “The Man-Child” (or maybe more accurately…what I loved about Kid-Cudi) was his undemanding taste in women’s looks. Said the rapper: “I love a girl who is true to herself. If you’re not a girl that wears heels, then don’t wear heels.” I love it! You don’t have to try to impress or stress. You can just be you. He also says: “The first thing that attracts me is personality…I love to crack jokes…I want somebody who can hang with that. If I spit out a joke, I want somebody who bounces right back and spits out a joke at me” So, let me try get this straight Cudi, you want: Character. Confident. Lighthearted. And humorous. But that’s…….me?

There was also…

The Sexy Foreigner (Americans are obsessed with foreigners); The Hobbyist; The Coffee Shop Intellectual (aka the dude that wears tight, black skinny jeans- nada); The Workaholic; The Man You Thought Was Gay (aka Mr. over sensitive for a dude- three words: yuck & no bueno); Mr. Selective Memory (oh, I know about this one); The Cowboy (Cute but not really my type).

HARPER’S BAZAAR:

Bazaar has to be one of my absolute favorite magazines (along with Glamour, Vogue and Teen Vogue) and so I can honestly say I generally loved every single page in this month’s issue of Bazaar. The only page that sort of irked me was page 91: The Sexification of Fashion. Society sure does love to sexify everything…(frown).

VOGUE:

I love how all three of these magazines are different. Vogue is all-fashion. Fashion tips; fashion tricks; new (fashion) kids on the block. And I love fashion, so I need Vogue.

Fave “new kid on the block”: Blumarine- their stuff is colorful and chic!

Fave fashion tip: Pages 81-84

Also…I absolutely adore Jessica Biel, I think she’s stunning and so was quite chuffed to see her on the cover.

Have no fear....LENT...is here

2010-02-17T09:27:00.001-08:00

I am so excited right now. No really…I am SO excited.

It hit me today…that the past few weeks, more than ever before, I have been under the apprenticeship of the Holy Spirit. I’m not trying to talk religious jargon to you, reader. I am not just spewing out a phrase that is commonly used within Christian circles. I am being dead serious. The way Alexander the Great came under the tutelage of Aristotle; or the way Moses groomed Joshua to lead the next generation of God’s people; the way my Ma used to applaud me when I did good and beat me when I did bad; in this way and so much better…the Holy Spirit has been ordering my steps and instructing me.

They say the Holy Spirit is the shy one of the trinity. What it really means is (what church people love to say): He is a gentleman. Oh trust me…He is a moving, powerful One and at times can make quite the scene…but there are those times…when he moves with placidity. A part of me thinks it’s a trick…that he might lure us (I mean that in a respectful way); that we might hunger for him more. Because he comes quietly (and also leaves quietly)…he comes so quietly sometimes that you would never notice that he’s there. Most people think of God as the great and powerful wind that tears the mountains apart and shatters the rocks; like Elijah…they probably could have never envisioned that God was the whisper. (1 Kings 19).

And this is what happened to me.

One day I looked back and I realized that certain imperfections; flaws; habits; vices had simply…disappeared. It shook me. I’m not even trying to be dramatic. It did. The things I had prayed so desperately for God to take away; the sins that were ever before me…the ones that haunted me; the ones that the enemy had tried to use to chase me out of the presence of God; the very same ones that had caused me to come crawling back boldly to the throne of grace because I knew I had no where else to go…those things were gone.

I’m not saying I am now perfect…I am so very far from it. But this is the point of this post that I am writing. He has refused to let me go this time. Not that before he used to turn his face from me. But something has changed within me. And it’s not that I have become so holy. But it’s because He has brought me to a place where I want so badly to hate sin; He has brought me to a place where I can truly surrender; He has brought me to a place where there is hunger for God above all else; He has brought me to a place where sometimes even though I don’t feel like worshipping…I can do it, because I walk by faith and not by emotions. I still struggle with the many obstacles that try so hard to hinder my walk with God. And so many times I give into that temptation; I replace God’s place on his throne with things; I give into my emotions and completely shut God’s word out.

But this time I refuse to let the foundations become eroded. The Bible asks us: When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do? And so this is what this 2010 Lent is going to be about…fortifying the foundation. 40 days of total surrender to the Creator. And I am so excited…I can’t wait to see what nasty things God rids me of these next few days. Please hear me out…I’m not saying it takes 40 days to get “right” with God…all I know is I want him to continue to do what it hit me that he’s been doing (without even letting me know haha!) these past few weeks. He really can be cheeky that God of ours. And it’s not like I can tell him that I caught him doing it cos he’s not done yet. * wink *

So this Lent…I’m giving up myself. No sweets or ice cream…just my ugly spirit. What are you giving up? (And it’s ok if it’s sweets…)

Deep...

2010-02-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

I once wrote a poem that, for the first time, satisfied my desire for better lyrical quality. It’s not a perfect poem, and I don’t consider myself a poet. Blake…Wordsworth…my good friend Brenda…those are poets…I’m only an amateur but still I love to write. It helps me deal with things and make sense of them.

And so it was out of a long moment of anguish and annoyance that I wrote a poem that is, on paper, un-named. It’s clearly, however, about vindication. And how the itching desire to be vindicated must be replaced with a non-judgmental spirit.

And so it began…

I am surrounded by lies; and I am at a loss…

For to reclaim my dignity would charge a great cost to the inflictors of my pain…

And integrity is purer than recompense.

So I fight this urge to take back my name, which has been soiled through pretence and ill-conceived gain.

And I am torn for I am forced to exchange my virtue for the resemblance of a fool, because I live a life that requires mercy not bitterness to rule.

So I must turn the other cheek…

This is my calling as a daughter of light; to walk in truth and not worldly sight.

I am surrounded by pain,

Inflicted by those whom I call ‘brother’; dumbfounded by their selfishness

But I relent from charging them with their offense…

For that would be equal to exalting myself to the throne of him who was given frankincense.

So I choose to overlook their inner maims

Not in the silent hope that their crimes will become their bane, Nor because vengeance belongs not to the shamed…

I choose to overlook because none is righteous

And apart from the goodness of His grace I, too, am nothing but a dusty and depraved face.

I thought twice about putting this poem up here because truthfully, it’s not finished yet. And then I thought I’ll give them only a couple of excerpts” but in the end I decided you needed the whole thing. I wrote this poem at a time when I felt as if I was being taught by the counselor that the desire to be vindicated had to be replaced with mercy and also that sometimes in life we need to let things go or go crazy. I know I sound all “wise”…I’m not saying I’ve experienced it all. All I’m saying is that these are the lessons I have drawn from my few experiences (and of course the experiences of others).

Anyway back to this lesson. I thought I was done. I thought He was done teaching me with this experience. But I was hit with another truth today. Christ said “The truth shall set you free.” And today I realized that when you know the truth and God knows it as well, then vindication should become the farthest thing from your mind because you are walking in the freedom of the knowledge of the truth. You don’t care anymore what people say. I honestly believe that vindication comes where it is due but I think that we must reach the point in our individual situations where we’re not so desperately waiting for it because it does not matter what people may think or say about us, we are free from the hankering desire to be cleared because there is nothing to clear in the first place. We must reach that point in our lives that when vindication finally comes, we appreciate it yes, but we know that it would not have made a difference to our happiness without it.

Again…I’m not saying it’s easy. And I’m not saying I know it all now…or that I will be able to do this each and every time but I thought I’d share this with you today…because it hit me hard.

And the Switch came on...

2010-02-08T05:38:00.000-08:00

Last night, in between commercial breaks and time-outs during the Superbowl, a good friend and I were engaged in a DMC (deep, meaningful conversation) and one that I will never forget. We talked of passion and following one’s intuition. This friend does not want to go to university, not because she is being rebellious but because she knows she wants something that she feels university cannot offer her. The people around her cannot understand this and have rejected her ideas completely, but my experience calls for me to support her because like me, she knows what she wants and she has passion. Let me explain…

This time last year, if you would have asked me what I aspired to become in the future, or what my plans for my university education were, I would have said, without so much of a blink of the eye or hesitation: Law.

I don’t recall when I awoke out of my self-made deception but I can tell you this: I am so grateful. Here I am sitting on my bed without so much of a job; I’m not in school; I constantly get asked the question “What if Berklee rejects your application?” but I am so grateful that I am where I am at this moment and not sitting in a hall full of people, listening to a lecturer teach me tort or contract law- because if I was, I would be wasting the little and precious time I have on this earth.

I get a sense of bewilderment when I think of how I had planned on studying law. It literally amazes me…and how I had even convinced myself that I was going to do this is beyond me. But then again…at the time if you, reader, had said to me that I would go to music school- as much as it would have been an extremely exciting idea for me, I would have brushed it aside because I had already “made up my mind” and besides there was no way my father would allow me to forgo a “proper” education in order to pursue music. Those things only happen for mzungus (white people) not Africans.

Or so I thought.

Anyway…like I said, I don’t recall exactly when the switch came on, I suppose it was a gradual thing. What I do know, though, is that it was during a lonely Saturday at my aunt’s house in London that I accepted what I had been trying to refuse for months: the idea of going to law school did nothing for me, in the sense that it gave me no excitement, and with time it even repulsed me (I’m not being dramatic). And just like that…I called my parents and said, “I want to study music.” And the fights followed, and the arguments persisted and even at this moment there are those that question my decision…

I thank God that the switch finally came on. I chose my passion over their expectations and today I want to encourage you to do the same.

Where I’m from, the only subjects that must be pursued at university are the highly academic ones- law, engineering, and medicine, even business and absolutely nothing is wrong with this. The problem comes because we despise the arts and anybody who studies such must be a dummy or someone simply “unserious”. The system does not allow you to grow and to be creative and to use your talents. And so hundreds and thousands of footballers, and poets, and painters and actors are stuck in the unsuited, pseudo bodies of aspiring doctors and lawyers and engineers and sadly many of these will end up, like the ones that came before them, unemployed notwithstanding their master’s degree…and, I’m sure, unfulfilled.

I refuse to add myself to this tragic statistic. To live an unfulfilled life is, in my opinion, no life at all. So I’m taking the risk…and I support and applaud those of you who are too. I am literally bursting with excitement for what the future holds for my friend and I. I can’t wait to see the difference it makes to take the road not taken, the road that so many question, despise and refuse to understand. I can’t wait.

2010 Grammy Predictions

2010-01-30T05:58:00.003-08:00

I am SUPER excited for the Grammy’s tomorrow (as I always am!) and whilst I apologize to my fans for my absence tomorrow, know that I am there in spirit. Due to my record wins these last few years, executives and members from the Recording Academy decided it would only be fair to give others a chance and have therefore (wisely) excluded my award-worthy contributions this time round.

I will be watching them live on TV, however, and just wanted to know your thoughts on the nominees. These are my predictions! They are open for debate! (i.e. your comments and opinions are more than welcome and infact necessary for this post).

And the nominees are… (well the ones I care about anyway)

RECORD OF THE YEAR:

Halo- Beyoncé

I Gotta Feeling- Black Eyed Peas

Use Somebody- Kings of Leon

Poker Face- Lady Gaga

You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift

This is a highly competitive category and whilst all records are award-worthy I would be surprised if Black Eyed Peas took this one. Maybe Gaga. But if I have to choose one it’s Taylor.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR:

I Am…Sasha Fierce- Beyoncé

The E.N.D- Black Eyed Peas

The Fame- Lady Gaga

Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King- Dave Matthews Band

Fearless- Taylor Swift

The monster here is “Fearless” but we all know how the Grammy’s love to shock. Watch out for Dave Matthews Band. Still, I am definitely rooting for Taylor…again.

SONG OF THE YEAR:

Poker Face- Lady Gaga & RedOne, songwriters (Lady Gaga)

Pretty Wings- Hod David & Musze, songwriters (Maxwell)

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)- Thaddis Harrell, Beyoncé Knowles, Terius Nash & Christopher Stewart, songwriters (Beyoncé)

Use Somebody- Caleb Followill, Jared Followill, Matthew Followill & Nathan Followill, songwriters (Kings Of Leon)

You Belong With Me- Liz Rose & Taylor Swift, songwriters (Taylor Swift)

This award is for the songwriters. Each one of these songs has strong, well written lyrics, though they are different in the style of writing. “Pretty Wings” or “You Belong With Me”

BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCALS:

Can't Find My Way Home- Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood

Life In Technicolor II- Coldplay

21 Guns- Green Day

Use Somebody- Kings Of Leon

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight- U2

GO Kings Of Leon…!

BEST ELECTRONIC/DANCE ALBUM:

Divided By Night- The Crystal Method

One Love- David Guetta

The Fame- Lady Gaga

Party Rock- LMFAO

Yes- Pet Shop Boys

It can be intimidating to be in the same category as Lady Gaga, whose otherness has been widely accepted and applauded. Whilst Guetta is on the rise, Gaga has everything going for her with this one.

BEST DANCE RECORDING:

Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyed Peas

When Love Takes Over- David Guetta & Kelly Rowland

Poker Face- Lady Gaga

Celebration- Madonna

Womanizer- Britney Spears

Madonna has outdone her time (quote me) and I cannot comprehend how anybody can listen to Britney Spears anymore. My personal favorite is “When Love Takes Over”, but I’m going for “Poker Face”.

BEST FEMALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMACE:

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)- Beyoncé

It Kills Me- Melanie Fiona

That Was Then- Lalah Hathway

Goin’ Thru Changes- Ledisi

Lions, Tigers, Bears- Jazmine Sullivan

I Don’t know.

BEST MALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE:

The Point Of It All- Anthony Hamilton

Pretty Wings- Maxwell

Sobeautiful- Musiq Soulchild

Under- Pleasure P

There Goes My Baby- Charlie Wilson

Pleasure P is nominated for a Grammy? Wow. Still… “Pretty Wings” is the alpha and omega for this category.

BEST RAP SOLO PERFORMANCE:

Best I Ever Had- Drake

Beautiful- Eminem

D.O.A (Death of Auto-Tune)- Jay-Z

Day ‘N’ Nite- Kid Cudi

Casa Bey- Mos Def

I put this one up here in order to fuel debate. Otherwise, I’m not much of a rap fan even though I listen to the odd rap song or two. I do know enough, though, to know Drake and Kid Cudi are the biggest contenders here.

BEST RAP/SUNG COLLABORATION:

Ego- Beyoncé & Kanye West

Knock You Down- Keri Hilson, Kanye West & Neyo

Run This Town- Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye West

I’m On A Boat- The Lonely Island & T-Pain

Dead And Gone- T.I. & Justin Timberlake

Without a doubt…”Knock You Down” cancels every other collaboration in this category. That song...

BEST NEW ARTIST:

Zac Brown Band

Keri Hilson

MGMT

Silversun Pickups

The Ting Tings

I have no idea who the hell four out of five of these artists are. Go KERI!

BEST FEMALE COUNTRY VOCAL PERFORMANCE:

Dead Flowers- Miranda Lambert

I Just Call You Mine- Martina McBride

White Horse- Taylor Swift

Just A Dream- Carrie Underwood

Solitary Thinkin’- Lee Ann Womack

I LOVE the nominees in this category. I am cautious of letting my love for Taylor Swift’s music blind me but she simply stands out to me.

BEST COUNTRY ALBUM:

The Foundation- Zac Brown Band

Twang- George Strait

Fearless- Taylor Swift

Defying Gravity- Keith Urban

Call Me Crazy- Lee Ann Womack

Simply put…Taylor Swift is a colossal talent bestriding a colossal album. This one BELONGS to her.

BEST GOSPEL SONG:

Born Again- Third Day

City On Our Knees- TobyMac

Every Prayer- Israel Houghton & Mary Mary

God In Me- Mary Mary

The Motions- Matthew West

Arguing with me would be pretty useless on this one. “God In Me” is a sick record. So yeah, I’m rooting for the two Mary’s.

OK PEOPLE…WHAT DO YOU THINK? (All opinions can be posted to the comment section underneath the post.)

Blog Star Awards

2010-01-27T06:31:00.001-08:00

It amazes me…the way becoming a part of the blogosphere has changed my life. And so I thought I’d give my first blog awards. I’m new to this awarding thing so forgive me if I do it wrong. :)

To…

MBLS @ My Best Friends Little Sister

Hannah & Lindsey @ Beauty from the Heart

Selena @ Christian gal in the City

MckMama @ My Charming Kids

GBW @ Gorgeous Black Women

SAPH @ Stuff African People Hate (Unfortunately, it would seem that this blog is no longer running)

An Idle Mind...

2010-01-27T05:44:00.001-08:00

I am so bored right now. So bored, that I decided to Google “how to get unbored” and waste just about 5 minutes of my life reading the ridiculous things that people have come up with. I was surprised; one of the things to do was “rate passers by”. Seriously…you people do that when you’re bored? Shoot! I do it all the time. It used to be a problem at one point. I had to make some kind of comment, particularly on the way people dressed. It wasn’t that I felt the need to do this; it was more subconscious (which is even worse). Anyway, the other ideas were pretty funny (some messed up) but would be a total waste of my time; still…I thought I’d share some of them (the ones that are so…me)

· Get yourself as nauseated as possible

· Send spooky emails (Don’t worry all you church folk- nothing nasty)

· Step of a curb with shut eyes, imagine it’s a cliff

· Burn things ~~(or someone~~) with a magnifying glass (LOL)

· Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck. (EEWWWW!!!!!)

Just so you know, reader, I am not about to try any of these. But it’s interesting to note how merely reading them lifted me out of the dangerous state of boredom.

Yes. Boredom is dangerous. An idle mind is the devils workshop, said H.G. Bohn. Curiosity preys on your mind and thoughts you would not usually entertain take hold. Suddenly you feel the need to find something more exciting and thrilling and maybe even dangerous to do. Like trying to see how much alcohol you can consume before getting drunk, or watching an x-rated film, or trying that one blunt just to see how it makes you feel.

And perhaps it doesn’t have to be so extreme. You find yourself with zilch to do and decide the best way to pass the time is to do some (unnecessary) online shopping or (and this is the most common “antidote” for boredom) you eat something quite unhealthy and end up of overeating.

Whatever the case, none of these things are healthy nor are they productive. Gluttony (for clothes and food) is sin just as much as intoxication (from alcohol or weed) is sin. And even if they weren’t, they are still highly unproductive and bring forth bad fruit. Buying things/clothes unnecessarily will diminish funds in your bank account and we all know that, as cliché as it sounds money does not grow on trees. Similarly allowing yourself to become intoxicated will not only make you look like a fool, but can cause you serious short and long term problems no matter how “hip” or “pleasureful” it might be.

So the next time you find yourself bored, do some exercise (I’m talking to myself there), organize your room or perhaps call a friend and get involved in some community/church work. It is easy to get bored when one is on leave from work or on holiday from school, the key is to refuse to stay in a state of boredom.

Looking To The Future...

2010-01-25T03:49:00.000-08:00

I’m aware of the cliché-ness of the title of this post but I really couldn’t think of much else so give me a break. :) Nonetheless I do hope this finds my favorite bloggers, proud (and silent) followers, and newcomers all faring well!

With regards to school, I can only ask for your prayers (absolutely vital), as the situation requires a lot of faith. It’s not easy, and sometimes I’m scared but I remind myself that without faith (not some kind of belief in God but being sure of what I hope for and absolutely certain of what I DO NOT SEE) it is impossible to please God.

I can clearly recall a time when I was in a similar situation. I was completing my final year of O-Levels in Kenya and had applied to only two schools for further education. Truthfully, there was only one that I wanted to go to. And so I did the entrance exam. I did what I could and then I waited. What strikes me when I look back is the total peace and faith I had during the waiting period because we all know that the waiting period is the hardest to bear. By the time the results came back I had been living in a state of total peace and faith that I was not even surprised when they told me I had made it.

I’m not sure why things are slightly different now. Maybe it’s because the last time I didn’t have people asking me: “What if you don’t make it? What’s your back up plan?” I hate those questions. Because I DON’T have a “backup plan” and I’m always afraid that people will think me silly if I tell them this. Also, even though I hate to admit this, these questions scare me a little bit. And then I hate that they scare me, because that means that I don’t have a strong faith. I’m not saying it means I don’t have a strong relationship with God, but it means this time around I don’t have that unshakeable conviction that what my heart desires has already been given to me.

And so I need your prayers. That God would give me this conviction, this faith. That Berklee (my hearts desire) is done. Maybe it sounds crazy to you- it sounds crazy to my dad :) - but this is what it means to be a Christian: one who walks by faith and not by sight and who believes and calls on the things that are not as though they were. So I need your prayers…

K…

To Glee or Not to Glee

2010-01-19T16:01:00.000-08:00

Contrary to what the title may suggest, this is NOT a post about the new TV show Glee (although I might say something about this somewhere in between my roses and thorns of the past month). Actually, I called the post “to glee or not to glee” because at the moment I am nowhere near gleeful. Frustrated. Nettled. But not gleeful.

I know I said I was on a gratitude challenge but just to clear things up you don’t have to actually worry- this thorn was not born of a fault-finding spirit. Rather, I am irritated with myself. To say I feel like a failure feels somewhat dramatic so I will resist. On the other hand, I do feel as if I made a couple of careless mistakes in the process of applying to Berklee College of Music which have now prevented me from starting in the Spring (January) semester. I went through my audition and interview on Saturday fine, so I’m not even suggesting that I’ve totally wrecked my chances with Berklee. I am just annoyed with myself because I could have prevented this from happening. It sounds trivial to you but let me explain:

I have a suspicion that behind all this frustration there is some other underlying issue. Maybe a part of me is scared because during this process I have come across obstacle upon obstacle upon obstacle. And I know it is not supposed to be easy but I am tired of doing this. Getting excited and feeling relaxed and then having some other problem unfold before my very eyes. And the thing is I don’t blame God at all (and never would). Rather I feel like the problem is myself and that God has had to deal with my negligence and inability to pay attention to small details that has ultimately led to small setbacks.

Now, in no way am I trying to suggest that He is not big enough to handle them. My problem is: why should he have to deal with this in the first place? Why couldn’t I just have done this small thing right? Grrr!

So that is my thorn. Other than that I have much to be grateful for. My audition and interview went well. I don’t say this with any hint of arrogance whatsoever, I just know that I tried my best and the rest is up to the One who has actually laid the entire blueprint and agenda for my life. I’m grateful, even though at this very moment I feel like screaming with frustration.

Love,

P.S. Glee is a great show! Funny, authentic and entertaining. I’m now officially a gleek.

Tune #1

2010-01-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

“Hakuna Mungu Kama Wewe” is one of my favorite gospel songs of all time. It is performed in the East African language of Swahili.

Enjoy!

21 Questions

2010-01-14T14:57:00.001-08:00

It’s more than possible that this question has played in your mind lately. Haiti lies in ruins. A horrible earthquake has shattered a country that has had to endure far too much. Many of us are wondering, some are afraid to say, others simply don’t want to think about it and few have peace but still…many of us are wondering: where is God? And how could He allow such a thing to happen?

I really can’t tell you that I know exactly what God does or does not have on His agenda. Which is why today I cried out to God, not just for Haiti and her people, but also for the rest of the world…for those of us who can’t seem to make sense of this terrible tragedy.

Whilst I was talking to Him and searching for answers, He led me to some words written by a great king some thousands of years ago. David was wondering just about the same thing as many of us might be. He cried out to God in despair: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?” God didn’t respond to David right away, but in his pondering the king came across an awakening truth: that our God has not despised or disdained the suffering of them that are afflicted nor has He (God) hidden His face from them.

But some of you still shake your head and say, “the Lord has forsaken Haiti. He has forgotten them.” And this is exactly what the Israelites did in the time of Isaiah the prophet but God spoke to them and said “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!”

And despite the horror and heartbreak that grips Port-au-prince, we are assured that God has not forgotten his children. We can already see the manifestation of His redemptive work with aid and relief workers finally arriving and doing their level best to do what they can. We can also be sure that in the next few days what can be done for the people of Haiti will be done. Though many have died horrific deaths, others have, by the auspicious grace of God, survived and been miraculously rescued.

And Haiti will be rebuilt again, better and stronger than before. David said “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

In the meantime, we must play our part because whatever God is going to do for Haiti, He will do through us. So if you’ve not donated and tried to raise consciousness about the situation yet, this is the time to do so (see http://afrogaddaf.blogspot.com for more info).

Finally, more than money, water, food, shelter and medical relief, Haiti (and the rest of the world) needs peace. If you think this a fairytale that simply exists in an ideal world then you have misunderstood what I am trying to say. I’m not talking about the total absence of violence and disturbance (the peace of the world) but rather the presence of serenity in times of violence and disturbance (the peace of Christ); a peace so potent that it is not predicated by the conditions that surround it. The Bible calls it “the peace that passeth all understanding.” Haiti needs this kind of peace right now, and it can only be found in Christ. So everyday, as you pray for Haiti, pray for the peace of Christ to reign in that nation, pray that they, individually and collectively may cast their burdens onto the One that is higher and greater than them; onto the only One who can truly heal them. The chastisement of their peace was already laid upon Christ (in other words, he already purchased their peace, among other things, when he died on the cross). There is no need to search for peace any longer; they can now trade their yoke (heavy, overwhelming) for His (light, peaceful).

The Naked Truth…(My apologies to those I might offend with this post)

2010-01-13T20:53:00.001-08:00

Trends come and go. And I admit it…I easily get caught up in some of these trends, particularly when it comes to fashion. But this is one phenomenon that looks like it is here to stay and generate even more popularity. It’s also the trend that irks the hell out of me.

Nudity.

It’s everywhere. And it pisses me off.

Now before you tell me how natural nudity is and therefore how overcritical I am and kwa kwa kwa…I would like to let you know that I absolutely agree. Nudity is natural. And we should cherish the bodies given us.

What I just can’t comprehend (and please email me if you do) is the seemingly growing requirement for women to strip naked for the magazines. Some do it to promote health and well being and others just for the sake of being naked. To me both are entirely pointless and most of the time, saddening.

There’s a certain celebrity whose music is loved by many a fan. She is, perhaps, one of the most adored young women of our time. Her various fashion transformations have enthralled the public and fed the media’s obsession with her persona. And to be honest she does have a degree of individuality about her. This is found in her so-called “edginess” and “fierceness”. My problem with this woman is that lately she seems to feel the need to undress for every magazine shoot.

(Before you call me judgmental and narrow-minded you might want to read on.)

Nudity for the cameras is, today, the norm. But what message does it give out? And perhaps I sound cliché, but cliché is always so for a reason. People are what they do. And someone who feels the need to constantly undress for the cameras clearly has some inner issues they have to deal with…because this tells me that their value/worth is found in their image. What’s more it shows me that they have no dignity. Who will treat a woman who has stripped for the cameras on more than one occasion with dignity and respect? What’s more…how can someone that finds this kind of frequent nudity normal still think that they have any dignity left?

And please don’t call it “showing off what God gave me”. Nudity is beautiful and it’s beauty is a gift from God but that is the point…it is a gift, not to be given away anyhow and exhibited like some sort of second-rate prize or plunder. The problem with society is that we tend to do things on impulse and because it looks or feels good. We don’t think about the consequences. If I sound old fashioned to you then I’m sorry to tell you this but you have bought into this disastrous deception of living on impulse. I’m not at all promulgating the concept of incarcerating your life by not following your hearts desires but perhaps it is high time that we thought things through before we did them.

You might not like what I’m saying…and many of you may even know whom I was referring to with the nudity but that doesn’t matter nor does it bother me. Truth is truth, even with a majority of one. Don’t be sucked into the deception of the world simply because it is trendy. Think about things for yourself. You may think someone is cool, but his/her being cool does not automatically mean that everything he/she does is ok. I think Jay-Z is a pretty cool dude, but by no means do I think his weed smoking is cool at all. I don’t have a problem with this lady celebrity I was referring to, in fact I quite like her but I feel bad for her due to the fact that she seems to strip herself of self-worth the more she strips her clothes off for the magazines. We don’t judge people’s characters because only God can do that but we can certainly judge the things that they do.

Let’s make it our aim to lend our minds and lives to higher thinking and living. Life is too short to make a mess of it. Respect yourself.

Light Skin VS Dark Skin

2010-01-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

You will be glad to know, reader, that just like you I am sick and tired of light skin being promulgated as superior and better. And I am so saddened by how many people say to fairer skinned blacks how they wish they were as fair. What’s more how many magazines do we know have lightened some girls skin to make her look better? And how many more times will I have to hear that someone has “good skin” because they are light skinned and “good hair” because their hair is soft and not coarse like the majority of black people. I will yell if another Yung Berg, another Polow Da Don or another Neyo comes out and says something unflattering about dark-skinned women. Enough is enough right?

But we’ve heard those arguments before. And now I want to flip the coin.

Because let me tell you… I am also so very sick and tired of darker skinned people that are hateful and have a somewhat vengeful attitude when they approach light skinned people. I’m tired of people talking about how so and so bleached themselves and how “look at her she thinks she’s pretty because she’s light”. I’m tired of people talking about how America’s black population is getting lighter every year. I am sick to death of light skinned people being treated like they are not authentically black.

Who gives a damn if someone is light skinned or darker? It’s nobody else’s business but that person. And you can talk about “but what are we teaching our kids?” But the truth is a lot of people who talk like that approach the entire thing with the wrong attitude and will fill their kids with a subtle hatred for light skin.

What’s more I can’t STAND it when people assume that someone has whitened their skin in order to be fairer because they have an inferiority complex when that might not be the case.

Case #1: Michael Jackson is a perfect example. His story (together with that of his doctor) is that he had a skin problem called vitilligo and to cut a long story short it had gotten so bad the man had to do something drastic, even as drastic as completely whitening his skin. But people assume that he did it because he did not want to be black anymore. Let me ask you: how do you know? And do you know? Or do you just want it to be that he did bleach himself?

Case #2: I have heard it time and time again. Beyoncé bleached herself in order that she might have success. But the truth is you do not know that. Besides the woman has always been fair skinned. And you can put as many pictures side by side to depict how “white” she is now but everybody knows that a picture comes out the way it does because of the way it has been edited. I have seen pictures of Beyoncé where she looks lighter than others and I know that does not have to mean anything. How do I know? Because I have a damn brain!

Case #3: Normal human beings know that someone’s skin can change due to the intensity of the sun, climate change, pregnancy, oral contraceptives etc. I know a lady who is naturally bronze-skinned but goes very dark when pregnant. Afterward her skin gradually and naturally goes back to how it was prior to getting pregnant and of course in order to aid this process she uses skin toners and creams that have whitening complexes. I know many other women who are naturally fair skinned and their skin has suffered from hyper pigmentation caused by the sun. Meaning: their skin tone is no longer uniform and so in order to make it uniform they have to tone their skin and use creams that have whitening complexes. Moreover I know women who have gone to colder climates and have come back fairer. I don’t even have to imagine how many people would call these things “bleaching”.

Yet I’m sure that if the tables were turned and it was a dark woman who woke up with light spots on her face because of some sort of skin issue and she went to the store and bought herself some cream to fix her skin no one would call that “tanning” or prejudice against light skin.

There is a reason that most beauty-product companies make creams that tone skin and that can whiten skin: because there are used for various reasons other than by women who simply want to be fairer and therefore “prettier.”

But let’s move on from the bleaching issue. I’ve heard people say fairer women are prettier than darker-skinned women. And I’ve asked them why? To which they reply, “they just are”. This tells me that there is no actual reason, that the person has just always assumed that lighter is prettier because that is what, as blacks, we have been brainwashed to think since the days of colonialism and slavery. But I’ve also heard people talk trash about light skinned people in general for the reason that they are “wannabe whites”. This tells me that there is a new kind of brainwashing going on, only this time against lighter skinned women.

There’s a double standard going on here. You should not complain about prejudice against certain groups (to which you belong) if you are prejudiced against those who are seemingly (and maybe not even) prejudiced against you. Period.

Wouldn’t it just be much easier if we all accepted the fact that someone looks good if they look good? No strings attached, no conditions…it just is what it is?

Real Talk #2

2009-12-19T01:17:00.000-08:00

Doubting Thomas

2009-12-19T01:01:00.000-08:00

I’m sure most of us have Doubting Thomas’s in our family, whether immediate or extended. I’m just as sure that some of us have doubters in our friends. And it can be frustrating. I know…because that’s where I am right now.

Unbelieving family members surround me. And the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more it hurts to see them in this state of spiritual blindness. It hurts even more because some of them were once believers but have now turned away from their faith.

What’s even more frustrating is that some of them believe in Jehovah, some of them even seem to think that they are Christians, and they pray and go to church. They read the Bible and interpret it in their own way. Others simply don’t believe in the Most High at all. And some subscribe to New Age philosophy or “spirituality” as they like to call it. Still some, during times of persecution, talk to God and come back to the rest of us proclaiming the message that God spoke back to them. Honestly speaking I have my doubts but I don’t think I have the right to decide whom God speaks or doesn’t speak to so I resist the urge to comment.

And sometimes, honestly speaking, I struggle to draw the line between frustration that comes out of a genuine love for God and then a sanctimonious attitude. I have seen God move and work wonders for this family, I have seen the change that comes about from being under the apprenticeship of the Holy Spirit in some of these family members and so I get frustrated when they turn their back on God. And I honestly feel hurt because I find it hard to imagine why anyone would turn their backs on the most amazing love there is.

But it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes I rail against them to the Holy Spirit condemning them for their Judas-like nature and their infantile Christianity. I fulminate against their lack of understanding and I say to myself “Well I suppose it just shows that they never really knew Jesus.” And that is true. But there is a difference between simply stating a fact and being self-righteous. And for me, I have struggled with the latter in my walk with the Lord.

It is good to be sincerely aggrieved when the things of God are undermined or looked at as rubbish. But this should come out of a love of Christ not a love of self.

Yesterday I went to bed feeling discouraged. I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling in my heart.

And then I realized that I should let these feelings go: because they are, ultimately, useless. It is not my job to “Save” someone- that is the ministry of the Holy Spirit. Only Christ can reveal Christ. I can tell the story…and I can plant a seed, but I cannot (and you cannot) legislate Christ in people’s hearts. Besides “if you will talk someone into to Christianity, someone else will talk them out of it.”

So I will pray. I will water the seed when it is sown. And I will strive to “let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in Heaven” in other words, live like Christ lives in me.

But I will not bash them on the heads with the gospel. And I will not scoff at their spiritual blindness because I am wicked and depraved and it is only by the staggering grace of God that I have been saved and not by my own righteousness. And I will not despair.

For salvation is the work of the Holy Ghost.

His work. His timing.

Gratitude #101

2009-12-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

I recently signed up for a 30-day gratitude challenge…because I needed it. The past few years have seen me transform into an ungrateful daughter, friend, sister, and Christ follower. It’s so easy to fall into the habit of grumbling…and much harder to get out I tell you. But I am determined…and I am thankful that God is purging such hideous habits from my life! Anyway…I thought I might take a minute and scribble down the many things that I’m grateful for:

Music:

Today my best friend said to me “You really love Alicia Keys!” And that I really do. I don’t call myself a fan of the lady or anyone else for that matter. Fan just sounds too dilettante (forgive me if that sounds puffed up). I’m more of an appreciator. And I’m sure most “fans” are too. But I feel like I could actually make a profession out of music appreciation. Sometimes I wonder if others, when listening to a song, hear the same sounds I hear. And I’m sure at a certain level they do. But I feel like my ears are tuned to a different frequency when I press play. Sort of like how experienced tasters can tell which plantations coffee beans are from. And so I’m grateful. Despite the fact that sometimes this “superpower” (as I like to call it) brings me to tears or sometimes-just straight up annoys me, I’m grateful.

Driving:

Never have I had a greater sense of the importance of being cautious than now. Driving is not particularly difficult, but I suppose that’s what makes it easier to take its simplicity for granted. And today, I went WAY ahead of myself. I was NOT cautious…and the outcome could have been worse than what transpired. You see…in my arrogance, I convinced my fickle mind that I could drive my friend’s car without much trouble. But I learnt a good lesson today after scraping the front of his car against the pavement: that I wasn’t ready to drive just yet and that my pride could have, perhaps, caused a more calamitous outcome. Thank God that it didn’t. I can’t lie, it was highly amusing and all of us left “the scene of the accident” with a memory we’d rather never forget. And for that I am also grateful.

Friends:

Despite the intense laughter and wisecracking, I was slightly shaken by the accident (if I may even call it that). And even as I type I feel somewhat unnerved. My muscles are achy; and my heart is faint. It sounds dramatic…but I kid you not. I suppose I’m thinking about what happened too much. Which is why I am SUPER grateful for friends…because they are the kind who, when I’m feeling this way, would take the time to make sure I am perfectly ok; the kind that drops everything their doing to come on skype and try to cheer me up (not that I’m particularly depressed!).

Immanuel:

“Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel…”

I am so grateful for Immanuel. More than words can express. My love for Him runs deep…but compared with His for me it turns to dust. And to think that He chose me is an even more haunting thought. He is the mystery that was hidden by the Creator for ages…until He was revealed, not to his people Israel, but to the world over. He is Immanuel- my savior, my God and King, my very best friend. I love Him so.

I feel like now, for some reason, I have a greater sense of what the arrival of Immanuel means. And if I were stripped to nothing in this world…I would still have much to be thankful for. For in Him I live, in Him I move…and in Him I have my being.

K...

Warning...Rated C (Controversial)

2009-12-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

Don’t worry I’m not planning on boring you with a long, convoluted story. I just want to share something very controversial with you: “My List”. And I am warning you now…I have been jeered at for this (courtesy of my African mother) and “despised” for this (my cousin Abigail whom I love because she loves the Lord!) on the grounds that it is very unspiritual but it’s My List so here goes:

My List (less the obvious qualities)

1. Tall (I can’t handle anything else) or in other words NOT SHORT

2. Great sense of humor (If you don’t make me laugh then your name probably won’t even see the inside of my phonebook)

3. Hot. Hot. Hot

4. Has to smell sinfully heavenly (*Editors’ Choice: 212 Men by Carolina Herrera; Hugo by Hugo Boss; Cool Water by Davidoff)

5. Cooking is a bonus (though I won’t count you out if you don’t cook)

6. Deep voice (Cliché but obviously there’s a reason why it’s cliché)

7. Dark Hair

8. Cool (I don’t think you know what I mean. I can’t describe it…but I’ll know if he’s got it.)

9. Has a great sense of style (that includes shoes too!)

10.Macho (I can’t handle too much sweetness.) VS. Sensitive (African men don’t really cry…that’s what they say and that’s what I’ve seen. But I want my man to be man enough to cry but only when necessary)

So...carnal or candid?

Christmas Wishlist (Part II): All I want for Christmas is you…

2009-12-09T06:48:00.001-08:00

New sounds on the block…

But unlike most people who’ve jumped on the “get new music as fast as you can” bandwagon…I’ve decided to wait…so that I can appreciate everything minus all the hype. Aaaaaaaand…maybe also because at the present moment I have 77 cents in my bank account but I am not about to rob people of their livelihoods because it’s the ‘easy way out’. The whole downloading minus dinero thing is getting old. Plus it’s just plain wrong. If you download illegally then you’re a jerk (Quote Me).

~~Boyfriend~~

Ink:

I won’t call it a thirst…but I have my days, like today, when I wish I could just snap my fingers and find myself walking the famed St. Marks place (New York) to get myself another tattoo. But that too will have to wait till I’m in the US next month. Now before you raise those eyebrows and silently condemn me and wonder what kind of Christian I am…I’ll have you know that I don’t do it because I want to be sexy, or because I want to attract attention. I just like tattoos…kinda like the way some people like ice cream. And yes I know the social and professional stigma that comes with tattoos but I guess I’m prepared to take the risk. That doesn’t mean I’m planning on getting all inked up …infact I’ve limited myself to 3 tattoos. And that’s partly for me (because even though I’m not a people pleaser I don’t want to come across as hedonistic which totally inked up people DO come across as) but that’s partly for others too (I have freedom in Christ but I don’t want the things I have freedom to do to become a stumbling block for believers and soon-to-be believers- 1 Corinthians 8:9). Ok…so now that we’ve cleared that up…

I’m thinking I’m going to get the next one on my foot (like the fetching Ms. Zoe Saldana) What do you think…?

~~Boyfriend~~

One of these BCBCG MaxAzria dresses:

Did I tell U how much I LOVE BCBGMAXAZRIA? Well here’s why:

~~Boyfriend~~

Spiritual Growth:

Faith is progressive. Religion is a stagnant thing. My God is a moving God and I don’t want to be left behind!

Boyfriend:

Ok…so I’m guessing you’re wondering what’s up with the whole boyfriend thing? And you know what? So have I. Contrary to what you may be thinking, though, I’m not desperate or suicidal…I’ve just been thinking. And initially I had chosen not to write about this but the truth is more than anything else, this Christmas Season has got me thinking about babies and that one guy. I made a deal with God a few years ago and at the time I really didn’t know it…but I was just talking if you get my drift. The deal was: no more guys until the one. Which sounds simple but I was not being very forthcoming. What I actually meant was: Lord, no more guys until the one because I don’t want any more hurts. Which is just immature and cowardly now that I think about it. And anyways I ended up doing things and planning on doing things (that I later regretted) with boys that weren’t even my boyfriend. I even made up a boyfriend; he was called “Karl” (dear lord!) with whom I was having a long-distance relationship. Don’t ask me why I created him ‘cause I’m not too sure of the answer to that but the fact that I killed him as soon as I realized that I had NO CHANCE with this other guy is, perhaps, telling. But do you understand what I’m trying to say: I never really understood the whole guy-girl thing, probably because for so much of my teenage life I was straddling the worldly/spiritual line and I’m not saying I’m so spiritual now but I no longer have a worldly overview of what love is all about and thank God because it’s crap! So very recently I changed the terms of the deal (cos I’m allowed to do that), and instead of God don’t send me any more guys until the one cos I don’t want to be hurt, I said: God I will save myself for the one whom you will send my way in your time and I will not settle for less simply because “life is for livin’ not livin’ uptight” as Hov (Jay-Z) would say. I like what Rev Run said better… “DON’T GET IT TWISTED…It’s still best to wait on the right person, because life is TOO short to spend it with the wrong one.”(via twitter)

P.S: I think I need an entire post on this boyfriend thing cos it’s a kurraazzeee topic.

Christmas Wishlist #1

2009-12-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

1. Vera Wang: Moonstone & Crystal Necklace

2. Chanel: Dark Berry Lipstick ✔

3. Elizabeth James: Luna dress (in pale rouge)

4. Ray Ban: Aviators ✔

5. Balmain: Military denim-style jacket

6. Giuseppe Zanotti: Open toe booties

I was browsing through Neiman Marcus and a few other shopping/fashion websites today and found these treasures! Hours and hours of desperate coveting have transpired into this wishlist. The Vera Wang necklace is just absolutely fetching! The aviators & lipstick compulsory (which is why I already bagged them!) As for the Balmain jacket….I know I’m a few months late but I figure that if I could lay my hands on one it would, without a doubt, ameliorate my wardrobe! The Luna dress is simple and slightly vintage-y, I suppose that’s why I like it…and isn’t the color just gorgeous? It gives off that “hot without trying too hard” look. Zanotti booties? Just F.L.Y.

So…who’d like to fundraise for me? (I hope you didn’t think I could afford half of this stuff myself, did u…?)

Real Talk #1

2009-12-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

Forbidden Fruit

2009-11-30T06:02:00.003-08:00

Driving Update

I am glad to report that my driving lessons are finally taking off (yippee :-))…And I can only say thank you faith...without you, I wouldn’t have progressed this far. But before I tell U about this forbidden fruit, I have to tell U a little bit about my 3 different driving instructors, otherwise it just won’t make sense.

*Shawn, my driving instructor, was ill for the entire first week, which left me in the hands of proxy instructors. The first 3 days saw me with *Brocklehurst (obviously not his real name but I have named him after the evil, cruel and hypocritical master in Jane Eyre). Failure to start the car, loss of concentration, sheer fear and feelings of utter incompetence were the horrible combination that made the first few days of driving a living hell.

But that was Brocklehurst. You can imagine my relief when on the fourth day I had a different stand-in teacher. Let’s call him *Jake. I was very relieved but very afraid at the same time. This was the man I had seen walking around the school like he was the CEO of the universe, the man who constantly had an “I’m fresh to death” look on his face; the exotic looking one whose roots I couldn’t quite identify. I was scared but I tried not to show it as I climbed into the tiny car. “You know what to do?” He asked me. (But it sounded more like “This fool better know what to do, cos I don’t have time for no sluggard.”) “Yes” and to my disgust my voice actually quivered. I prayed to God that he would take the wheel (literally) ‘cause I was NOT about to make a mistake with this dude. And do you know what? I couldn’t even start the damn car! I was cursing that day silently in my mind.

But somehow…we were on our way, and a few minutes into the lesson rather than barking instructions at me, the man was actually talking to me like a normal human being. I liked him. And I couldn’t stop smiling. He would laugh at my mistakes…and there was a way he said my name. It was…nice. Not nice but nice. A few laughs and “Fiifii’s” later I could feel a slight magnetism in the air (slight being the operative word). He told me he liked my name and that made me smile. And I guess he noticed all this smiling because he said, “I don’t know what you’re thinking about but please look at where you’re going.”

That was over a week ago. And an entire week of battling silly thoughts and feelings reached its climax at 5.25 Sunday morning when I wrote a poem about this man. I called it “Forbidden Fruit” because as much as I fantasized about him and what it would be like to really know him I knew in my heart of hearts that he was forbidden. Yes I am was drawn to him and yes he seemed drawn to me too (although maybe at a cooler degree) but it all came down to this: we are not walking on the same path and in the same “way”; we don’t believe in the same “truth”; we don’t share a common view of what “life” is really about. And maybe you’re thinking “That’s extremely exclusive and discriminatory” but it’s silly to enter a relationship when the two of you have no common point of reference. The Bible says it like this: “Do two walk together, unless they have agreed?” The answer, simply, is no. And so I said no to even entertaining thoughts of this man because he simply is forbidden fruit.

Rock

Which brings me to another point. I once had a conversation with a friend. She asked me something along the lines of “if love isn’t enough then why is it all that?” Now…I do not claim to have all the answers. And at the time I said to her “Maybe love’s perfection lies in its imperfection because even after so much pain and hurt and disappointments and mess-ups human beings are still able to love each other.” I had really thought about my answer and concluded that since that sounded philosophical enough it would have to do. Only a year later would the answer come to me with such clarity. And maybe you don’t agree with me. But I know that human love isn’t enough and will never be “all that” because it is flawed, because it comes from humans. The only love that is as efficacious as it is everlasting is the love of God. And so THAT’s what I have chosen to build my future relationship on because it is the only sure foundation. Which is why a relationship with the instructor or anyone else that has not believed in “The Way, the Truth and the Life” would be unnecessarily difficult.

On Christ this Solid Rock I stand because the truth is all other ground is sinking sand.

K…

99 Problems

2009-11-18T03:11:00.001-08:00

Driving lesson:

I had my second driving lesson today and to call it “not up to par” would be a great understatement. What makes it worse is that it was one of those highly irritating situations where you think you’re doing so well and everything just spirals from there on. With every ditch I landed in; and every time the car stopped, the feelings of incompetence just grew and grew…

The chaos of my driving lesson went kinda like this: I was gripping the steering wheel too tight; I was unable to fully focus on the road and kept glancing at the dashboard; I kept moving out of my lane and nearly disposed of two pedestrians. Things reached a climax when a man riding his bicycle knocked into my car and fell off. I thought I had hit him and possibly even injured him. It was truly a low point in my driving lesson. I was so relieved to finally arrive at my destination but at the same time I felt like driving was pointless. And as I made my way home tears started pricking my eyes. I knew that this wasn’t just about the driving. There was so much more going on.

This driving disaster was the parable of my life at the moment. (Ok maybe I’m being a bit too dramatic) At a time when things should be moving…they are standing still. And it can get somewhat frustrating knowing that there’s not much I can do about this at the moment. And time is running out for me to get the things that I have to get done, done! But there’s nothing I can do…none of it is in my control…

Which gets me thinking…if the entire situation I’m in right now is out of my hands… in whose hands is it? And as much as new age beliefs might have me think that the universe is in control and (even more incredulous) that the universe is on my side…I know better.

Jesus Take the Wheel:

I’m still struggling to decipher whether the feelings of placidity that sometimes take over me signal plain apathy or if it’s that peace. I know, I know…if I’m all spiritual then I should know the difference…but I’m somewhere in between. Anyway…it’s probably best that I believe that it’s that peace…or I might have 1 more problem to worry about. Besides even if I weren’t ~~apathetic~~ peaceful …if I was frantic…it would be of no use. Because there is nothing I can do. Period.

And so I’m letting go and letting God because no matter what it looks like at the moment…

The RIGHTEOUS…shall LIVE by FAITH…(Habbakuk 2:4)

And so here I go…walking by faith and not by sight.

K…

Flaws and All....

2009-11-17T07:04:00.000-08:00

Temple:

I’m sure some of you have seen the adverts or even watched the season premier of Ruby- a reality TV show (on The Style Network) that documents one woman’s journey from obesity to a more healthy lifestyle. I was literally glued to my TV screen last night. I truly connected with Ruby, however much I don’t know her, because I understand her struggle. I’m pretty much going through a similar situation: battling sporadic eating habits and even more irregular exercise routines. I have reached the point in my life where I’m tired. Not physically...but mentally and emotionally. I’m tired of being socially incarcerated by what others might think of me; I’m tired of shying away from the flashes of a camera; and I’m tired of wearing a façade that, for many years, has helped me to veil these things from those closest to me. Watching Ruby gave me a sense of urgency…enough to want to do something before my current state of apathy completely takes over.

I finally understand that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6.19) and filling it with bad things is actually a direct defilement of God. God made everything good…but some of that good can be turned into bad. It’s the same issue with believers who smoke weed…as much as it might feel pleasurable and as much as God created cannabis I highly doubt that he created it for the purposes that it is greatly being distributed for today. Weed, just like alcohol, is an intoxicant .In the days of the Levitical Priesthood…if a priest entered the house of God intoxicated he would die. Period.

Hungry:

Anyways…back to weight issues. I “accidentally” stumbled across this book Hungry by plus-size model Crystal Renn (left- before and after). It documents her journey through modeling, which took her from a size 0 to a size 12. After reading a bit about her story I am so truly inspired! I can’t stand Hollywood’s obsession with uber skinny women and worse the pressure on these women to be uber skinny in order to have success. Please hear my heart: this is not a rant against size 2 women because there are women that are naturally skinny and look stunning that way! This is me sounding off the shallow perception of beauty society has adopted. It shouldn’t matter what size someone is at all as long as they are naturally that way and are healthy (Shock horror!) I mean…take for example Nicole Richie. I am NOT even about to assume that she starved herself because of the external pressure that she faces as a high profile person but I really need to ask: what was wrong with the way she looked in 2004? She was healthy, glowing and beautiful!

I wonder…if there was no such thing as the perfect body size…or no such thing as make-up…if our perceptions of true beauty would be the same?

K... (Zadok’s daughter)