Saturday, 17 April 2010
Order My Steps
By the time August 2009 rolled by, to me, it only meant one thing- there was two months left to start school. I was excited, I was going to be living my dream, and I would be studying music at a “most prestigious” music school in London. Even the difficulties I faced with finding appropriate accommodation could not dampen my mood. And yet…it is true that in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9). Because as much as I was ready for London Music School, I didn’t realize it but I was making a decision that was completely outside of God’s plan for my life. And many a time, from what I have seen in my own life and the lives of those around me, He allows us to make stupid decisions; He allows us to go through things that were not a part of his plan anyway but this time, for whatever reasons, he would not permit me to walk away from this particular path that he had already laid out.
And very quickly my plans to attend London Music School fell apart. The fault was mine. I hadn’t prayed about ANY part of this decision; I hadn’t really thought any of it through…I had just rushed into something because I was excited; I had based a big decision on emotions. So it was quite frightening when I realized that the school I had picked to go study music at was a bit of a sham; it wasn’t as “prestigious” as it was said to be, and there was hardly any external information on the school. I am not saying that it wasn’t as “ivy league” as I wanted; but it was not whatever it had presented itself to be.
Naturally, I felt stupid, because I looked completely naïve to my parents and relatives. For some of them, it was a sure sign that music wasn’t a part of my destiny. But of course I would never buy into that.
There are only a few times that the Holy Spirit has spoken to me. And when he does speak, it’s not like with the disciples or with Moses or Elijah. Most of the time, when he does speak, it’s more like a sure reminder of some appropriate truth that I, by my own power, could not have plucked out of my cacophony of thoughts. This time, he reminded me “the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.” And immediately I knew what to do. Ah! If only God would speak to us/reassure us more often, more like every minute of every day…but then I suppose we would not need as much faith.
I will try to cut a long story short: I prayed fervently for about a week. I didn’t want to make the same mistake. I knew music was what I wanted, music or literature. And I let God direct my every step: when I was discussing my options with my parents; when I began short listing schools; even when I finally settled on two schools; traveled to America to tour each one; and eventually decided to apply to only one because that was the only one I wanted…God was in every single step. And everyone asked me why I had only applied to one school. Wasn’t it foolish…to lay all my eggs in one basket? They would ask. To some I lied to, that I had actually applied to two schools…simply because I didn’t want all the questions to continue…I am not a very patient person (smile). But to those like my father who I couldn’t lie to I would simply say, “Well, this is where God led me…” and though he would frown and worry at what he saw as extremism and absurdity, I would simply remain silent. I didn’t want any arguments.
And sure enough when I was offered a place at Berklee he was relieved (and happy for me too!). Me, I cried tears of joy…but not relief. I was simply, in that moment astounded at the goodness of God. But the entire time…whilst I was waiting, I refused to doubt God…not out of desperation because I had no other choice…but because I knew that the journey I had taken from September 2009 onwards was one that had been propelled by the Divine from the get go.
Did I have my doubts sometimes? Sure I did! But ultimately I knew that if He was in it; it was not going to fail. And He was in it.