Figuring Myself Out

Remember how I told you that this blog is my semi-journal? That I won’t be getting too personal with you because that’s just not me, but I will share some things to document my faith journey? Well, today is one of those days.  I woke up early morning. And my mind decided it was in the mood to be cynical. So, naturally, I’ve been having negative thoughts infiltrate my head and infuse my spirit. And it’s starting to piss me off. Big time.

Have you ever thought you were delivered from something? Only to find…

And you whisper fervent words to God: “take this from me, Lord…I know it’s not of you.” and you lament; you get angry; you kick the ground because you think this equals kicking your demons away; you beg and plead; you groan…until you feel like even God is tired of hearing you say: “take this from me, Lord…I know it’s not of you.” And maybe you even scream that muffled/muted scream of frustration because you feel like ripping your hair apart.

This is what today decided to bring me.

I know there are overwhelming burdens and nasty, dysfunctional habits that only God can rid us of. Infact I know that there is nothing we struggle with that we can rid ourselves of…this is the job of Him that is sovereign over all. But I thought I was through…I thought I was moving to the next level. Maybe I was getting self righteous, I don’t know. And maybe I’m being too hard on myself…expecting every single thought and action of mine to be pure. And yes…no one can ever be perfect, and even in our quest to be holy as He is holy there will be times when we stumble. So maybe, yes, I’m being hard on myself…but the truth is…as humans we love excuses. And I cannot allow “won’t be perfect till we get to heaven” to be an excuse of mine. I threw that one out of the window a long time ago…and it’s not coming back.

Last Sunday, our pastor spoke of the rapture. He asked us: “Are you ready? Are you sure you wouldn’t be left behind?” And I am not being self-righteous but in that moment I felt right with God. Not because of my works or anything like that. But I just did. And today…I feel rather different. I don’t feel as confident. Three days ago, I was feeling like the Holy Spirit and I were really becoming one. And It’s not that I felt new or completely different; but I just felt as if the newness that I was infused with when I accepted Christ was finally taking over. It was always there…I had just suppressed it.

But then as much as I feel this way…I also know that I am not supposed to have confidence even in feeling confident. I know this. I suppose I’m stuck…I don’t know what caused these things I thought I had been delivered of to resurface…I’m trying to figure it out. Was it something I did? Did something I heard someone say, or a song I listened to, or a film I watched…did any of those things trigger these things to reemerge? Because often this is what would happen before: a few words spoken or a couple of chords played out could prompt that downward spiral. But I have searched my mind and my heart, and I know that this is not the case.

So I am left to conclude one thing (though I may be wrong): that in my case…I had become so hooked on junk, that it’s actually a part of me. It’s not that I have to have some kind of trigger. And it makes me sad; honestly, that I chose the paths that I did…because here is where they have led me. Of course I shouldn’t be surprised…that is what happens when you draw waters from stagnant wells…there are consequences: you get sick and sometimes, sadly, the ramifications will stay with you forever.

I don’t say any of this out of self-pity at all. I know God will complete the great work he began in me through Christ…I know that I will be a masterpiece at the end of it all.

I guess I wrote this because I needed to sort through some of my thoughts. But it’s not just about me…I wrote this for you too- so that you may choose your paths wisely. I used to think, a lot of the time, when I was going through whatever it is I was going through (smile) that it wouldn’t harm me in the long run. But I was very wrong. The devil is a liar. Please don’t let him lie to you. Whether it be through TV, your ipod, your friends, what the majority say…even what looks right and fair and just and logical in the natural...I don’t care what anybody tells you…if it contradicts the Word…then it is completely false.

I know this all sounds so melancholy but I'm not (smile), I have made bad choices but there is a truth that is more powerful than even my recklessness: that whomsoever the son has set free is free indeed (John 8:36).