Honesty

I’ve learned something very recently: that most of the time, as humans, we only see each other superficially. However much you may think you know someone, be it your best friend, your sister or a colleague/schoolmate, chances are that person has some skeletons in the closet. We have learned to put on our best self, nobody wants to be vulnerable…nobody wants anyone to know the real them. Sure we don’t mind people seeing us angry, or heartbroken…we don’t even mind people seeing us when we’re being a nightmare. Because being angry and broken-hearted are normal and expected- nobody will judge you for that…however angry you are. But there are some things we just won’t let people see: abusive relationships; drug, sex, porn addictions; self-harm; eating disorders; those are the kinds of things we often hide, because of the fear of judgment and the fear of being shunned. I think the world would be better off if everyone was just honest…we all deal with crap we don’t want anybody to know, nobody is perfect...and that includes your mother and father, your pastor and church folk, your siblings and friends.

I was asked, once, what made me a strong Christian. I said, not out of modesty but out of an obligation to speak the truth, that as much as I may say things about God and read my Bible and appear to some, a “strong Christian” because of this, I would prefer if that term were not used to describe me. This person (who is a great friend of mine) still insisted that she thought I was a strong Christian and said I was an inspiration to her. I wonder, though, if she'd still think the same thing if she knew all of me.

People sometimes see me as somewhat prim and proper; the one that never gets drunk; the one that’s never tried a blunt; the one that doesn’t have sex; the one that hardly cusses. But honestly…there are times when I wish my ‘dirt’ was as public as drunkenness and weed-smoking…because as un-Christian these things may be, they are done, a lot of the time, publicly, out in the open. There are some things that I’ve done that I deeply regret and I’m sure would bring a great deal of judgment upon my head. These things...I used to struggle with secretly…I had no one to tell. They hindered my walk with God and yet at the same time He was the only one I could trust with my deepest darkest secrets for a long time. But months ago, when I was a mess (and you wouldn’t at all have guessed) I couldn’t take being so secretive any longer and finally spoke up about my problems.

I thank God that he brought me to that place of honesty, because my deepest darkest secrets, as painful as they were and still are, had and have no place in my life as a daughter of light. Talking to people was hard, but I’m glad God directed me and showed me which people to talk to. You can’t go round telling everybody your secrets, but the truth is…sin, if it’s going to be dealt with, has to be dealt with out in the open. So many of us are scared of bringing our stuff out on the table because we fear that we might become the laughingstock of many. But the truth is that we only have two choices: being real, or being hypocrites. And trust me…it’s hard talking to people about your problems but the only way we can have freedom is to be open and honest.

I’m not perfect…I have done things that I deeply, deeply regret but I’m grateful that my deepest darkest secrets are not secrets any longer. I was tired of holding on to them and giving the excuse that if God knew then He counted as another person. The Bible is clear…that if we confess our sin then he is quick to forgive us. Up until now, I always thought that confession of sin had to be made to God alone. But I’ve learned that some things can’t be dealt with until we confess our sins to other believers. We have to be careful whom we choose to tell but one thing is for sure: we do have to tell.

I know this is a lot to throw out on the table but I really felt a burden to let this be known. Most of my years as a “Christian” were just full of falsehood and hypocrisy. And even now…there are still things I deal with in my walk with Christ that are painful, but I thank God that they are out in the open. Maybe one day I’ll give you details, maybe I won’t…whatsoever God leads me to do. But for now, I just really needed to let you know…I have had some crazy stuff going on in my life and so I don’t want you to read this blog and think “wow…she’s almost perfect”. That’s foolywang. Everything I say on here comes from the deepest depths of my soul and from what I have learned in my walk with Christ, which has been so difficult and painful at times but which has also brought me much joy and freedom.

I’m so glad Christ took my sins at Calvary and that I am completely free from them. I also thank God that my righteousness does not come from my own works but from him…and him doing a great work in me. I am God’s work in progress…that will eventually, yes, turn out to be a masterpiece. But for now, He’s still sorting through the mess I made and chipping away old nasty habits, and things that just generally don’t glorify him. And it was hard for me to write this…but I just didn’t want anyone to get a false picture of me. Maybe this whole “I’ve been messed up before” thing sounds extreme to you (especially if you know me) but trust me all of it is truth and my bible, and yours, makes it clear that if we claim to have fellowship with God yet walk in darkness we lie.

And I didn’t want to be a liar.